Got my well check yesterday!

No, nothing to deposit at the bank, just a visit to my yearly friend. My partner and I made a wise decision when we picked him because of his size. A small doctor is always better for the annual checkup.

All started well. The front desk lady asked me if I had filled the blanks in the book they had sent me, to which I answered that nothing had changed and that they must have the data already. Wrong answer! Here is the book, go do your homework! I just circle the 50 “NO” on each side of the pages in one daring sweep. Claimed the fifth to some other questions. Failed to remember if I had 1.5 or 1.75 glasses of wine with dinner. Copied the list of vitamins from my cheat sheet. Allergy? Yes allergic to waste my time giving you data you already have. Authorized them to release all they wanted to my wife, including STD infos if needed. Signed. Dated. I was done. Sloppy, but done. Should be getting D+ on this one.

I was called inside by the nurse, and the first abuse started. Patrick, please step on the scale. Hold on, lady. Let me remove my watch, my keys, my glasses, my wedding band and my socks. In fact, hold on, I’ll go shave my legs. We sure don’t want to get inflated results on this one! Tried to put my shoes back on for the height measurement, but was denied…

We then get in the little room. Another few questions, I am offered some shirt which I wore the wrong way. My nurse tells me to put the slit in the back… They must have purchased some rejects to cut the cost. How do you tie it in the back? Anyway, I know that the slit is in the front; the hole, in the back.

I found a little heater on the ground, and tampered with it. Had the time to inspect and play with everything they have in the mini room, and the little good doctor comes in. Hello, hello and a few more questions. All looks good. Your knees are noisy… All in all, I get a B+ as I need to shed a little weight, if I can, and if Vinnie gives me the willpower.

I am done! So I thought. Hold on a second, I was going to forget to say “Hi!” to Mr. Prostate utters my doctor. Do you have to? Oh Yes! Please assume the position! Doc, please go easy, it is extremely tight down there. I’ll be gentle. First, let me grab 3 pounds of jelly… then the little song “the doctor’s finger is in my sphincter…” Not really enjoyable (for me that is). We are done, here is a Kleenex. A Kleenex? Do you have a roll of paper towel instead? This magic jelly is self-expanding; the more you wipe, the more there is. I then understood why one walks faster on the way out than on the way in: K.Y. cheeks’ lubrication.  

No I am ready to go. Not yet! My nurse forgot to check my vitals. Now, please note: Never let them check your blood pressure after the prostate check. It appears that the unusual visit of an internal organ by your doctor’s finger (even a little finger, see above) from the outside will somehow trigger the increase of your blood pressure.

Thank doc! I’ll skip the flu shot, and yes, I promise I’ll fast three days and come back for the blood test I skipped the past two years, as I can’t miss my espressos when I get up… and your lab opens too late. See you next Xmas!